


ACWNR - A Porno

by CastelloFlare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Crack, M/M, Pornography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 20:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6872218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/CastelloFlare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Hanji thought it was a good idea to spend their free Saturday evening watching some moving pictures she had found in the attic of the Recon’s headquarters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ACWNR - A Porno

So Hanji thought it was a good idea to spend their free Saturday evening watching some moving pictures she had found in the attic of the Recon’s headquarters. Mike brought some beer and because everyone had done a good job that day, the merciful Commander decided to include some meat in the menu.

Dinner was quick, but the drinking lasted quite a few hours, and by the time someone finally remembered about the moving pictures, almost everyone was already drunk. With a bottle in her hands, Hanji trotted between, under, and over tables, and with the help of Mike dangling Titan cookies in front of her, finally reached the front of the mess hall where they had set up the cleanest white curtain (which Levi hand-washed with Tide) on the wall and the contraption that ancient people used to view the moving pictures.

Earlier that day, after looking through the titles of the round bulky thingamobobs called ‘films’, they finally settled on one that didn’t sound like it was about sloppy cliché romances or the manufacturing of pencils and erasers. This one film with the acronym ACWNR, the chosen one, as Hanji had put it, was “ _probably a coming-of-age military-themed story about friendship and trust with thrilling action sequences and deep meaningful life lessons_.” Everyone took one look at the faded title and decided it was the most interesting one by far, sounding a lot better than the ‘Teletubbies’ that Jean and Eren surprisingly picked out together, or Mikasa’s ‘Boku no Pico’, so there they were.

After Hanji finally worked out the ingenious contraption, she went and sat with Erwin, Levi and Mike who were seated around a table in front, by the wall. Around them, the merry chatter died down when suddenly, shadows moved on the white curtain, and a voice counting down from 10 echoed from the machine.

“Hmm, not bad,” Levi said then continued to take sips from his shot glass. They drank rather moderately at their table and were secretly having fun with all the chaos just a while ago.

“Why’s there only black, white, and grey colors?” Hanji said really loudly. “Should we have gotten a colored curtain or something?”

“Sorry, I kinda left my Pride flag along with the laundry,” someone who sounded like Ymir yelled from behind. Hanji yelled a drunk ‘Oh’ and continued drinking.

The film started with clips of military men clad in tight-fitting patterned green muscle shirts and shorts, running around fields and crawling around in mud. This was an era without the 3D maneuver gear, so the training was unlike what they did, but the men – actually there seemed to be no woman at all in this sexist production – in the film were all buff macho guys with shaved armpits.

“The ‘military-themed story with thrilling action sequences’ seems about right,” Mike said after the first two minutes. Erwin and Levi nodded in agreement as Hanji continued to look for titans in the background.

“Oy, Levi, that kinda person looks like your type!” Hanji happily pointed out at the screen where the men had started to clean themselves in the public washrooms.

“What,” Erwin and Levi both spat their drinks.

“Golden hair, azure eyes, big tits, huge ass…”

“Hanji, it’s black and white,” Mike said, purposefully ignoring everything she said that didn’t involve colors.

“I have an extra pair of eyes, you don’t disagree with a person with an extra pair of eyes, Mike!!” Hanji laughed and continued drinking. Beside her, Erwin was experiencing what any high school girl would go through in their lives – trouble in the heart.

The film partially reduced to background noise, Erwin had begun a series of analysis and deductions in his head. This woman that has melted through Levi’s stonecold heart is someone Hanji knows so she can’t be from underground, she has to be someone in their own organization, maybe even one of the new recruits. Since a huge part of the existing human race seemed to be Caucasian, the combination of blond hair and blue eyes was common within both men and women, and suddenly he felt threatened by anyone who wasn’t a brunette, a ginger, or someone bald, which made Connie Springer the most innocent and least threatening person in the room – which also meant he was the most sexually-unappealing to Levi, which just made him a thousand times more likeable.

“This has to be the friendship and trust part!” Hanji’s loud voice brought Erwin back to the film, and sure enough, people were beginning to react with drunk slurred words to the scene in which two men were left together in the washroom, playing with the water and somewhat furiously scrubbing between their own legs.

“What is it that we were watching again?” Erwin reached out for the film cover and grimaced. ‘Attack on Corporals, We Ne-er Regions’. Apparently this legacy from their forefathers from the ancient world got desecrated because of someone’s spelling and grammatical mistake. Beside him, Levi tch’d at all the dust, and pulled out a clean hanky to wipe it with. Then they stared.

“What’s a ‘pornography’?” Levi asked.

“I’m not quite sure, is it the same in principle with geography and topography?” Mike chimed in.

“Anyway, when’s the attacking really gonna start? Are titans attacking corporals in this film or something? And what do they mean by being near regions?”

“Maybe humans used to own regions of land outside the walls?” Erwin ventured, his ocean-colored eyes beaming.

“Oy, Eruwin,” Hanji slapped his bicep frantically. “Doesn’t that new guy fit your taste?”

Both Erwin and Levi craned their necks towards the makeshift screen that Mike worried about sudden whiplash.

True enough, another young stud went inside the deserted washroom to join the first two. What this new guy lacked in height, he made up for it in muscle volume. His short black hair fell in bangs over his deadfish eyes that seemed to add more to his appeal. Inwardly, they all wondered why the ancient people only recruited Calvin Klein models in the military.

Over in his corner, Levi was furiously and rather absentmindedly continuing to wipe the film cover of ACWNR. His eyes never left Erwin’s face; the Commander’s eyes were now glued to the screen, in which New Guy was kneeling down before Huge Ass Guy, except the inexperienced camera man who did not have sufficient knowledge of proper blocking only placed the camera on the massive buns, hiding whatever action was happening in front. This was probably their ancient peoples’ weird military initiation rites, where new recruits had to do neck exercises in front of their superiors while kneeling down. Naked. And in the washroom. With a third person watching. Ancient people are weird.

 _So, Erwin’s tastes, huh? Short with black hair and unattractive eyes??_ ; Levi thought begrudgingly. He scanned the room, and saw Connie Springer staring indifferently at the moving pictures, as if he couldn’t care less about the history of their people. Levi narrowed his eyes at him, and everything just clicked.

 _Short_. Check.

 _Black hair_. Shaved, but definitely black. Check.

 _Unattractive eyes_. Among other things, Check.

A dull pain shot through Levi’s pure shoujo heart.

“Hey, you!” He barked at the bald boy. “Don’t you have cleaning duty today?”

“I just finished my shifts this afternoon, Sir,” Connie replied, puzzled.

Levi only stared back. Then he scanned the room once more. “Yaeger, Kirstein! Go shit in the lavatory floors!” Then he turned back to Connie with a menacing growl. “Guess you missed a spot.”

Suddenly, something between his fingers shone so brightly that the light burned a small hole at their table. The four veterans gasped in unison, attention temporarily taken away from the screen, and when the unnecessary showy light faded, they all stared at Levi’s hands, where a very clean and shiny film cover rested.

“ _Attack on Corporal's Wet Nether Regions?_ ” Hanji read aloud.

“So there’s an area outside the walls where it rains a lot?” Mike said quizzically.

“We really have yet to explore the outside world,” Erwin slammed his fist on the wooden table dramatically.

“But when is the attack happening anywhere in this blasted moving picture?” Levi grimaced.

“I know right?” Hanji threw a bottle up in the air, and someone in the background skilfully caught it with his face. “Everyone’s just training and showering and we haven’t seen any titan yet!”

“So what the fuck is a pornography?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> This draft has been sitting in my files for over a year already?? I decided to just post it here because it's been a while since I've written for SNK. Thank you for reading!


End file.
